In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.
We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, Ollie whips down to the travel agents in search of a well-earned break…
Welcome to NL Destinations, the number one virtual travel and tourist company in the world.*
Founded and established just the other day while our CEO was on the loo, NL Destinations has since grown into a monstrous corporation, currently serving a total of [zero] customers with an average review score of [undetermined]. Utilising over 20 minutes’ worth of experience in the tourism industry, NL Destinations is at the forefront of virtual Nintendo Switch vacation resorts.
With the Summer months on the horizon, what better time to begin planning your next virtual holiday? To help you along the way, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favourite vacation locales from the many and various worlds on Nintendo Switch. Whatever you’re looking for, we’ve got it all, whether it’s a quaint city break or an extended rural getaway. You can absolutely, most definitely count on us to provide you with a safe and secure holiday package.**
So, sit back, relax, ignore that curious warning alarm in the aeroplane, and let’s check out our top vacation picks together, shall we?
*Unproven, if not irrefutably false.
**NL Destinations takes no responsibility for your wellbeing, and cannot guarantee your safety at any of its resorts. Even the nice, sunny ones.
Ready to light a fire with a snap of your finger? Rapture, founded by the esteemed Andrew Ryan, is a city like no other. Descend fathoms to discover the delights of the botanical garden of Arcadia, or gaze upon the mind-bending artwork of Sander Cohen in Fort Frolic, all the while soaking in the breathtaking views of the ocean bed itself.
After more of a thrill? Fontaine Futuristics’ Plasmids offer up a variety of logic-defying enhancements such as Telekenesis, Electro Bolt, Insect Swarm, and much, much more. Explore the art deco utopia of Rapture in style, safe in the knowledge that the city’s noble Big Daddies will be keeping a watchful eye out on any and all mishaps.
Disclaimer: Consume Plasmids responsibly. NL Destinations cannot be held accountable for instances of death by drowning, electrocution, crowbar, burns, or impalement by drill. And please… stay away from the Little Sisters.
Please note that some external links on this page are affiliate links, which means if you click them and make a purchase we may receive a small percentage of the sale. Please read our FTC Disclosure for more information.
Truly exemplary hotels are difficult to come by these, but after you experience The Last Resort, you simply won’t be able want to leave. Boasting themed floors from top to bottom, you’ll experience the wondrous medieval architecture of Castle MacFrights, the quaint, modernised setting of Paranormal Productions, and the beautiful botanical paradise of the Garden Suites.
The Last Resort boasts a variety of bespoke portraits to compliment your deluxe room, including the likes of that dastardly Mario and his annoying little frien… uh, scratch that… Bespoke portraits of bunnies and fluffy kittens. And if you do happen to see any ghosts roaming about the place, don’t fret, they’re definitely fake and completely harmless. Honest.
[Note: The following are not permitted at The Last Resort: vacuum cleaners, Strobulbs, green goo, moustaches, smoking.]
If you’re someone who finds that nature’s true beauty lies within the depths of our planet, then you’re sure to enjoy the dark, oppressive landscape of Hallownest’s Forgotten Crossroads. Teeming with deadly stalactites, numerous spike pits, and a host of vicious adorable creatures big and small, you’ll want to explore every inch of this wonderful world.
Be sure to bring a map with you and update it along the way (it adds to the immersion, apparently), and keep an eye out for a delightful hot spring designed to heal both body and mind… But especially the body. We’re not saying it’s dangerous or anything, but just keep your wits about you.
Disclaimer: If you wind up getting hopelessly lost, refunds will, unfortunately, not be available. NL Destinations will have likely spent your money on amiibo, anyway.
Ah, the great outdoors. What’s better than the great outdoors? The Great Plateau, that’s what. Located in the heart of the magnificent kingdom of Hyrule, The Great Plateau offers views for days without any nasty Lynels or Yiga members popping up to bother you. [Note: Bokoblins and other creatures have been known to venture here; NL Destinations is not liable for injury. It is, in fact, dangerous to go alone.]
When you’re done being bowled over by the stunning landscapes and picturesque local fauna, why not set up camp and cook up a few delectable meals? The Great Plateau is overflowing with local delicacies and tasty ingredients, including mushrooms, peppers, fish, and Bokoblin guts; you’ll be a three-star Michelin chef in no time.
Visitors to The Great Plateau will also be gifted a fashionable Warm Doublet to take home. Just reach the highest peak without freezing to death to claim yours.
If you’ve ever wondered what lies out in space, then wonder no more. Sevastopol Station is the number one destination for fledging space explorers, boasting the very latest in Seegson technology to help you feel at home. With its ‘Retrofuturist’ aesthetic, immersion-enhancing flickering lights, and dusty vents, you’ll be losing sleep and gaining steps as you wander the vast (se-vast-opol – chortle!) halls and tight corridors.
Seegson’s friendly androids will also be on hand during your stay at Sevastopol. They can sometimes get a bit grumpy [Note: Best steer clear when their eyes turn red], but are otherwise more than willing to provide directions, snacks, and other amenities. Weyland-Yutani’s got nothing on these things.
Oh, no biggy, but there’s also an alien on board. Heh… It’s all good though, just keep your motion tracker on hand and you’ll be fine. For your comfort and convenience, NL Destinations has fitted Sevastopol Station with a wide variety of objects in which to hide should you come across the creature.
Well, howdy there, pard’ner! Welcome to the Wild West! If you’re after something similar to what Ol’ John Marston refers to as ‘the quiet life’, then why not hoof clop your way down to MacFarlane Ranch. Situated just a stone’s throw away from the hustle and bustle of Armadillo, this glorious resort offers up a multitude of delightful animals to keep you company, including horses, cows, and the odd wandering coyote.
Gaze upon the beautiful night sky and spend your hard-earned dollars at the MacFarlane Store, where you can purchase a nice bottle of whiskey, local-grown vegetables, and another nice bottle of whiskey. Don’t mind the odd bandit that wanders through from time to time, either; just dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge your way out of the incoming ropes, and you’ll do alright, friend.
Now where’s that whiskey?
Pack your hat, scarf, and arm cannon; you’re heading off to the stunning resort of Phendrana Drifts! Located near the significantly warmer Magmoor Caverns (a bit too warm, if you ask us), Phendrana Drifts is the perfect getaway destination if you’re finding Santa’s Grotto a bit twee. You’ll find next to no cosiness here, as the harsh weather conditions and deadly creatures will keep you on your toes for the duration of your stay; this one is truly for the thrill seekers!
Whether you’re looking to set up camp in the Ruined Courtyard or chill with some friendly Space Pirates in the Research Core, you’ll never find yourself at a loss for something to do. Just watch those Metroids floating about. If they latch onto you, just turn into a ball and drop a bomb.
What do you mean you can’t turn into a ball? Who even are you?
Mmmm, feel that gentle breeze? Delightful. Yes, Windmill Hills is the perfect destination to simply kick back, relax, and enjoy the beautiful music that inexplicably fills the air around you. The stunning Tudor-inspired architecture is sure to charm, and the spinning windmill platforms are perfect for honing your athletic skills. Take that, Ninja Warrior!
You’ll meet a variety of wonderful creatures during your stay at Windmill Hills, including accommodating owls, giant rats, and uh… fire-breathing pigs? Yes, apparently even Windmill Hills isn’t without a peril or two. Goodness, is there any truly safe NL Destinations… destination?
Ah! Perhaps a stately home would be more to your liking?…
Holiday cottages are a thing of the past, folks. We’ve got something a bit more… ambitious in mind. Yes, if you’re after something truly luxurious, the Spencer Mansion is really the only thing that will do.
Located in the stunning Arklay Mountains just a short hop away from Raccoon City, the Spencer Mansion offers atmosphere in spades, with perpetual lightning casting gorgeous shadows into the great hall and resplendent dining room.
We should note, of course, that there may be a few zombies roaming about the place. They’re quite harmless and will, in fact, prove to be the perfect targets should you wish to pack your favourite magnum or bazooka for your trip.
Please enquire for details of our Hunter, Zombie Dog, Giant Tarantula, and Tyrant packages. Ammunition not supplied. Brown trousers available upon request.
Who ever said a holiday destination had to be big? Some of the best things come in small packages, you know. Take Café LeBlanc, for instance. Situated within the heart of Tokyo, this quaint, independent home is run by the interminably optimistic Sojiro Sakura, who is all too willing to allow guests to sleep in the upstairs quarters, provided you’re happy to clean it yourself. Bloomin’ filthy, it is.
During your stay, you can expect to enjoy Sakura’s famous homemade curry with a pot of delicious coffee in the morning. It’s also just a short train journey away from a multitude of Japan’s popular tourist sights. If you happen to notice the environment changing, however, or you spot a weird talking cat, please notify the our local representatives immediately.
Take your time here; it’s worth it.
Right then, don’t be a cry-baby bunting, get youer-self down to Ding Dong Dell for a rolicking good time. Packed with interesting locals, stunning architecture, and clear blue skies all day long, it’s one of the most prosperous destinations in the Other World and the perfect location if you’re after a city. Take a tour down the Ding Dong Well and fight off some nasties, or hunker down and enjoy the delights of the Cat’s Cradle inn. It’s youer choice! Tidy!
Ahem… Of course, if you do wind up visiting Ding Dong Dell, then you’ll also have the pleasure of meeting Drippy, the Lord High Lord of the Fairies, who’s taken up residence as the ‘tidiest’ tour guide you’ll ever hope to meet. Don’t let him talk too long, though, or you’ll never get back home.
Oof… We suddenly feel quite hungry for some reason. You?
Well, you should, because the Luncheon Kingdom is the perfect place to chow down and enjoy lots and lots (and lots) of cheese. Yes, there’s fromage aplenty, but that’s not all, because the Luncheon Kingdom also features a giant pot of boiling soup, delicious corn on the cob, and some lovely roasted tomatoes (who may or may not attack on sight).
One thing, though… That liquid you see surrounding the resort might look like Tubby Custard, but we wouldn’t recommend pulling an Augustus Gloop and diving in face-first. It never ends well. Also, please refrain from kicking cans into the giant soup pot. It’s not the place for them, and frankly, it could kill off the entire indigenous population.
Do you want that on your conscience? Do you? Don’t answer that.
There you have it folks, those are our picks for the best vacation locales on the Nintendo Switch. Whatever you’re looking for, we hope you’ve found something here to suit your needs. Now we’d love to hear from you directly, so please let us know in the comments which NL Destination is at the top of your list, and if you have any other potential getaway ideas, then be sure to share those, too.
For now, safe travels. Ehehehehe.